Federally Mandated Apocalyptic Herald of the Week!
By Dan O'Connor October 13th, 2007
In Stories
This week’s herald of the apocalypse comes from America, a country never knowingly under-plagued by eminently mockable social phenomena, as brought to you by CNN
Many mobile phone addicts and BlackBerry junkies report feeling vibrations when there are none, or feeling as if they’re wearing a cell phone when they’re not. The first time it happened to Jonathan Zaback, a manager at the public relations company Burson-Marsteller, he was out with friends and showing off his new BlackBerry Curve. “While they were looking at it, I felt this vibration on my side. I reached down to grab it and realized there was no BlackBerry there.” Zaback, who said he keeps his BlackBerry by his bed while he sleeps, checks it if he gets up in the middle of the night and wakes to an alarm on the BlackBerry each day, said this didn’t worry him.
“As long as it doesn’t mean a tumor is growing on my leg because of my BlackBerry, I’m fine with it,” he said. “Some people have biological clocks, I might have a biological BlackBerry.”
Let’s see that again, shall we?
“Some people have biological clocks. I might have a biological BlackBerry.”
Yeah, and I might have a biological need to smack you upside the head.
1 Mat Morrison // Oct 26, 2007 at 8:38 pm
No — actually, I experience this from time to time. It’s been worrying me a little, as I usually carry my phone in my left breast pocket. I’ve been thinking it’s a heart tremor. I’m so relieved to discover (a) I’m not alone, and (b) it’s just a phantom mobile.
2 Little Miss ... // Oct 31, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Daniel, my friend.
People feel arms and legs that have been surgically removed with a power tool.
It’s really not that much of a stretch to imagine techoholics experience phantom mobile vibration.
Seriously, this is what the world is coming to.
Do you know how many mobile phones/iPods/Blackberries/USB’s I’ve had to retrieve from rectums? This is not a trick question! The answer is: Too many to count. Blech!!!
That would have been bizarre a few years ago, but now? Noooo! Now, we student nurses have competitions related to which of us has retrieved the most electronic devices from the collective anus’ of… the great majority of the time… men!
I shit you not. Competitions!!! Worth hundreds of dollars. Seriously!
Because men stick their mobile phones and their iPods and their Blackberries and their portable USB drives and whatever else is of convenient size, up their arses. Seriously!
Personally, it’s the most fun when the patient is a smarmy bastard and you exact your revenge by constantly dialling the number, so the entire department can hear their phone ringing.
Well, it’s not fun for the patient, but then they don’t have to stick their arm into someone elses rectal cavity, now do they???
That is all.
3 Luther Blissett // Nov 7, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Gosh. I feel really dull and grey now that I’ve learned that men generally find an exotic range of home electronics to insert rectally.
Personally, I have never inserted anything into my arse, and now that makes me feel boring …as though I’ll have to pretend that I’ve shoved fictitious items up my bottom the next time I’m at a party, for fear of being treated as a social reject otherwise.