Ryan MacMillan

I have been back in London for about two months now, and it has occured to me that, whilst the city is for the most part quite lovely and not full of stone-cold killers like Moscow, there could be some improvements:

1. A midday free newspaper, so that a luridly-clad distributor can annoy the living bejesus out of me at lunchtimes, just like his colleagues do in the morning and evening by standing in my way and waving pamphlets full of barely-concealed and barely re-heated Daily Mail columns, and then having the nerve to look annoyed when I don’t reach out gratefully and take one.

2. Less Samuel Smith pubs. I mean, really. I went into one this week and was charged £1.73 for a pint. This was quite disconcerting as I was unaccustomed to actually getting anything back from a £20 note, and, not knowing where to put my change, threw it at the barmaid.

3. A new underground line that runs directly from my house to my work. It should be a glittery gold colour and be known as the Patsy K’Line. In between my house and my work it should stop at Kew Gardens, the Natural History Museum, Tesco Metro, and my friend Cari’s house as I do not go to many other places.

4. More young men in hodded tops hanging around semi-provincial shopping centres in Zone 6. They are ace. And decorative to boot.

5. Some municipal law which encouraged more people in the 25-34 years old demographic to wear really tight drainpipe jeans, as I feel it is unfair to make just 13% of them look like idiots on their own.

6. Slightly quieter Oyster card readers on bendy buses, so that my eardrum does not burst slightly every time I “touch in and out”.

7. A corporate phrase for using my Oyster card which does not sound a bit dirty.

8. A decent football team.

9. To be twinned with somewhere unlikely, such as Kettering.

10. Free wireless EVERYWHERE. If Ken introduced this, he would be elected Presidential God for life, I expect.

Enact these simple ideas and boom, Sydney 2000 looks like Atlanta 1996.