Ryan MacMillan

Back in June I somehow managed to bring myself to write about Doritos’ X-13D campaign, in which the inexplicably popular snack product asked fans to name their mystery new flavor. Winners (though that may not be an entirely accurate description) were crowned with the title of ‘Flavor Master’ and awarded a year’s supply of Doritos (see what I mean about ‘winners’?). The insatiably curious among you (and, I imagine, the faintly masochistic) will be pleased to know that the winning flavor was Cheeseburger! So that’s great and doesn’t make me want to throw up at all.

Apparently much inspired by the success (again with the accuracy) of Cheeseburger Doritos (oh, you try typing that without gagging, then) another great American snack product has seen fit to enter this brave new world of consumer-named-consumables. This time, the cutting edge brand is Mountain Dew, the atomic-vomit-colored sparkling citrus drink. But Mountain Dew, which is far more popular in the US than in the UK, is not satisfied with merely having its consumers name their new product. Ha! Old hat! No, they want you to pick the flavor, pick the color, pick the name, write the tagline, design the logo and pretty much do everything short of blow the damn bubbles into the stuff yourselves. Leaving aside the worrying notion that no matter what flavor is picked, we can still pick any color, what is most entertaining about Mountain Dew’s campaign is its name and theme. You thought X-13D was overwrought? Mountain Dew give you…

DEWmocracy.

Yes. DEWmocracy. And I quote:

In the great American tradition, we have set out to give control to the people to help create the next Mountain Dew. That’s why in appreciation of your loyalty, Mountain Dew decided it was time to create “The People’s Dew” – and to give you a great, interactive experience along the way. Your voice will not only be heard, but by sometime next year, it just might be on the shelves of your local store!”

Because really, what did the Founding Fathers have in mind when they wrote the Constitution if not the people’s inalienable right to name soft drinks? More violations of Enlightenment tradition after the jump…

DEWmocracy is, according to the FAQs:

Ultimately, DEWmocracy is about allowing consumers to actively help create the next Mountain Dew line extension, inviting them to determine the flavor, name and look of the next drink. Beyond that, our goal is to provide loyal supporters a rich, involving, online experience that serves to bring the community closer together by way of taking them deep into an original, mythic world.”

Ah yes, I was just thinking today,”what I need is a rich, involving online experience.” And ‘the community’? There’s a Mountain Dew community? Actually, I can easily envisage a Diet Coke Addicts’ Support Group, so why not a Dewaholics Anonymous? Anyway, let us turn back to Mountain Dew’s methodical evisceration of meaningful democratic engagement. Just what is this ‘original mythic world’ into which those who wish to, ahem, ‘do the Dew’ must enter? Well, according to the overview:

Corporate Barons rule the city with an iron-fist, but a thirst for change is in the air. As a “Seeker,” you have the chance to return choice to the people. To do so you must embrace adventure, face your destiny, and help create the next Mountain Dew.”

Don’t you just love it when corporations equate a marketing campaign with universal sufferage? The DEWmocracy campaign takes the form, then, of a drawn-out online computer game in which ‘Seekers’ (somebody notify JK’s lawyers, ASAP) enter a series of ‘chambers’ (the originality of it all is killing me) in order to move through the various stages of flavor, color, logo design etc. Somehow this is all connected to the Barons and, as more chambers open up, more choices can be made until - praise the Jeebus! - DEWmocracy is restored.

Except… well, y’see, it’s democracy in the sense that, once you’ve chosen your drink flavor:

Your decisions in the first three Chambers will lead you to join 1 of the 3 Teams that will ultimately create the next Mountain Dew. After the 3 most popular combinations of features are determined, you’ll be aligned with the Team whose drink most closely matches your own.”

So, Mountain Dew will be pretty much picking which three flavors go forward and then allowing the teams to pick the logos etc. by voting amongst themselves. There’s a clever, Facebooky bit in which the better you do at the various ‘chamber’ games, the more visible your drink designs will be. And I’ll admit, the graphics and the intro video look fairly slick, but it’s really, really difficult to love anything that contains these words:

Upon your return to the city for a final showdown with the Authorities, the people will be set free to vote on which elixir shall pour across the land – the People’s Dew. Your destiny will become clear. Choice and creative freedom will become the rule. And the next Mountain Dew will become reality.”

Next, the people of Iraq design the new McDonald’s Happy Meal.